The best unique Valentine’s Day gifts they’ll never see coming

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Okay, Valentine’s Day is coming sooner than you think, you procrastinating jabroni. As much as we try to pretend to judge, the truth is that we’ve all been in Crunch Time before, desperate for a gift that will say just the right kind words to our waiting loved one, and none of the wrong ones. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the old flowers, lingerie, and candy, some of us are a little freakier and would rather watch the creepiest moments of Catfish: The TV Show forever than have them come across as a boring, cliché. knows nothing about our Valentine gifts.

It’s almost February which means it’s time to get everything together and order something that will arrive on time/don’t stress you out with shipping. But if you’re blank and need direction, here are 29 unapologetically unique Valentine’s Day gift ideas for him, her, them, or anyone else this year. A Grateful Dead beer garland? Check. Personalized eroticism? Check. A bouquet of salami? Check. When we say unique, we mean it.

Underwear with neopolitan flavor

OK, so they don’t actually taste like Neapolitan ice cream (although a candy G-string is always a classic). But we are a partner who understands why that is probably bad for your intimate flora. Grab the triple scoop set while it’s 50% off.

The La Mer of lube

If you’ve never heard of Überlube, welcome. The silicone-based lube is one of the best luxury lubes out there and has received an average rating of 4.6 stars from over 33,400 reviews on Amazon for its ability to smooth out your inner tube. As one reviewer writes: “[It’s] super silky feel and non sticky. A little goes a long way and is also best for backdoor play.

A natural wine subscription

Wine subscriptions have long been a thing, but for the boo who loves the small, natural winemakers doing big, biodynamic things, MYSA’s wine club is key.

… Or an alcohol-free wine subscription

Of course, we know that some people don’t drink at all, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy trying new non-alcoholic drinks. Grab Acid League’s Proxies subscription and let them try a sample of non-alcoholic wines that offer the same highbrow sipping experience as traditional oenophile endeavors.

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Personalized erotica

“Carefully [YOUR NAME] reached between the linen sheets and caressed their member with all the self-assurance of a wise but wary bridge troll. (Or something.)

A salami bouquet

Only non-boring bouquets, friend. Your boo may stop any day and smell the roses, but how many times will they have the pleasure – the privilege – of smelling the saucisson? This trio of salami blocks from Olympia Provisions is a symphony of meat from some of the sexiest corners of Europe, including Italy, France and Spain.

The ultimate pickle gift box

They say they love pickles. It’s time to test their commitment to their love of vinegar-soaked veggies with this elaborate pickle gift box, The Big Dill, brimming with salty wonders.

An izakaya for their cat

For the cat owner for whom no accessory is too much, this cardboard izakaya where your cat can both scratch cardboard and serve small bottles of Asahi is really genius.

A TikTok famous fancy toaster

The Balmuda is no ordinary toaster; it has a crazy steam function that makes your toast caramelized and crispy on the outside, doughy and moist on the inside. There’s a reason the internet is famous: it’s pretty much magical.

Beautiful sex toys

Have you seen sex toys lately? They are beautiful. Sailor Moon-worthy even. Anoint your lover with this glass dildo and strengthen your bond? It will look great on their bedside table.

A giant tin of Castelvetrano olives

As the old saying goes, you certainly won’t regret eating 30 to 40 olives. Especially when it’s Castelvetranos, the absolute best snack variety. This is a gift that isn’t for everyone, but is perfect for the right person.

Tea for better sleep and psychedelic dreams

Are they always the “I can’t remember my dream” type when you try to have cute subconscious-spelunking pillow talk in the morning? Give them this herb-infused tea that should kick things up a notch in the old REM realm.

Sex fabric

Do I make you horny, baby? How about after a few cups filled with this horny substance? Moon Juice’s Sex Dust contains “an energizing blend of adaptogens and herbs that target stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy.” Whistle for some Shatavari, Shilajit, Epimedium, Schisandra, Cacao and Maca. LFG!

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A personalized song made to order

No guarantee it’ll be a blast, but it sure will be a slacker in spirit.

A tactical crossbow

A really cute gift for your loved one who loves Elden Ring and/or Doomsday prepping, but definitely not one to give to someone with whom you have even the slightest chance of cheating (and them finding out).

Delicious accessories

A cookie for your cookie? Yes.

An electrocution game

A favorite party activity of our senior staff writer, this invigorating and oddly sexy board game will zap you if you’re too slow, dork.

A body pillow more jacked up than you could ever be (sorry)

They wanted a muscular man and they got you. But they can have it all!

A Grateful Dead drink holder

They used to love Cro-Mags and Madball, now they all go after Dead & Co. when they get the chance. Gift your lucky giftee with this wizard wand potion sling, which can stack up to six cans of potion in its groovy shaft. It’s the perfect Deadhead gift for that dude/dude who will always be running on Jerry Time.

A machine to make your own plant milk

They love oat milk like it’s their kid, live off almond milk lattes, and recently started making cashew cheese in their Vitamix blender. This much-appreciated non-dairy milk maker is the next logical step, sort of like a more practical adult-sized Easy Bake oven.

A damn nice turntable

Swoon. Those Cocteau Twins records will sound great on this beautiful turntable that one of our editors mentioned: “[an] excellent record player for intermediate to serious collectors” in her VICE review. It’s easy to assemble, connects to your own speakers (via Bluetooth or an included cable), and keeps the dust away with its transparent cover.

A sick AF “Pepto Bismol” guitar

For the boo who lives to shred and has IBS, this vintage Bepto Bismol shredder is what you dream about.

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A hydro-powered Bluetooth shower speaker

For the podcast listener in the shower or Frank Ocean crooner, this handy, waterproof Bluetooth speaker installs through suction and has great sound quality according to more than 4,500 (mostly rave) reviews.

A very Bauhaus coffee experience

Want to feel like you’re in the second season of The White Lotus with all the swag and none of the betrayal? Of course you do. Look no further than this highly aesthetic coffee maker from iconic Italian design house Alessi.

A huge book full of incredible fantasy art

This XXL Taschen book is for science fiction fans, artists looking for inspiration, or just people who like to get excited at the sight of loincloths and alien babes.

Put a ring around it

Here’s an idea: Take your honey to a beautiful park and slip this fashionable bottle onto her wrist during sunset. There’s no better way to enjoy a Baja Blast à emporter.

Say it with Japanese snacks

They live and breathe matcha cookie sandwiches, would die for yuzu drinks, and are addicted to mochi. This is the Umamicart subscription gift box for them. For about $120 clams, you can get them three whole months of eclectic snack food.

Stan Pam

Nothing but love for our president, Pammy.

Bring the spa to them

We’re aiming for Goop-worthy levels of spa attendance, but we also just want to find a reason to invest in a fancy home sauna like this highly-rated infrared sauna. As one Wayfair reviewer writes, it’s easy to assemble and “[gets] heats up super fast and stays warm.” Perfect for Valentine’s Day (and any winter day for the next few months).

Congratulations on being the most creative partner ever. Enjoy the honor.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all things that appear in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations and glowing deals? Sign up for our newsletter.

The post The Best Unique Valentine’s Day Gifts They’ll Never See Coming appeared first on VICE.

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